Getting Davised

Every once in a while, a topic or experience comes along that transcends race, creed, class, or gender. Even more rarely does an experience seem to be focused in a particular geographic area. What I am about to discuss may be disturbing, thought provoking, enraging, or simply appalling. Those who read this with small children around may want them to cover their eyes.

I am, of course, talking about getting Davised.

Davised: verb

Meaning: To be told by a smug and self righteous member of the Davis community how
something should be done or how something should appear.

The basic Davis-ing
1) The person "enlightening" you is a) Older b) A university employee c) Some type of overpaid intellectual.
2) They are always indignant and self righteous.
3) Their suggestion is always plainly obvious.

Most people reading this probably know what I'm talking about, but in case you don't, let me run through some examples.

A friend of mine was taking out the garbage and was headed down to the dumpster to chuck the bag in. He noticed the bag was leaking some mixture of water/ soda/ coffee. This concoction was dripping onto a public sidewalk in downtown Davis. A "helpful" elderly woman stopped him on the way and said, "Your bag is dripping" and then looked at him expectantly. My friend was of course, speechless. Obviously he was so stupid as to notice that the bag was dripping! But even more obviously, he should clean up the offending mess that is now on a concrete sidewalk!

Another example

Another friend was briefly walking down a bike lane in Davis before crossing the street to his car. A truck came tearing down the street, missing my friend by inches. The driver pulled over ahead of him, got out of the car (elderly intellectual of course), approached, and said, "There are biking lanes and walking lanes, you're in the wrong one." Thank you Captain obvious! Did you buzz me with your truck to teach me a lesson? Or is your advanced age compromising your eyesight?

This morning, a co-worker emerged from his home to find his car covered in toilet paper. He is still of the age where is friends find this funny. Based on his telling, his car was buried under what had to be an entire case of TP. As he was cleaning the paper off his car, a lady and her dog walked by and stopped. "That's a lot of toilet paper. Its really quite wasteful." As if he would have done that to his own car! Her powers of reasoning must have been running on overdrive that day because that was a brilliant synopsis.

Moral of the story. Mind your own business. Your comments are not helpful or asked for.

I'll invite anyone reading this to share their own stories or experiences. I am quite sure that this is a phenomenon that exists only in Davis, but I am prepared to stand corrected.

Not only is Phil Mooney a Triathlete, He is also unrepentant!

"Doing that tri got me laid so many times, it was awesome."

These were the words that Phil Mooney, (formerly known as Phil Mooney The Great, or PMTG) when asked to describe his feelings about the triathlon.

It is not clear whether Phil is referring to being laid by his girlfriend (hopefully) or other friends (maybe male ones, but probably not).

I recently sat down with Phil and discussed his triathlon experience in detail.

Me: "So Phil, what inspired you to do your first triathlon?"

Phil: "Essentially my girlfriend explained to me that I would not be receiving any of "the good stuff" if I didn't participate in this event with her. Besides that, I think I look damn good in a wetsuit."

Me: "Wetsuits usually fit better when your girlfriend carries your balls around in her purse. Moving on, how did the race develop for you?"

Phil: "I pretty much jumped into the water, swam until I nearly drowned, came out of the water in about last place-"

Me: "Let me interrupt there, was that last place in your age group, or last place overall?"

Phil: "I would have to say that it was last place overall. I was deep in the pain cave, but not really going anywhere."

Me: "Lets talk about your bike leg, how did that go for you?"

Phil: "I pretty much killed it. There isn't anything else to say."

Me: "That's a pretty bold statement, are you sure you aren't just being arrogant and kind of an A-Hole?"

Phil: "No, I'm sure. It was a typical Phil Mooney crushing performance."

Me: "Ok, now what happened on the run?"

Phil: "Well, I realized that running really hurts, and I was questioning my commitment to the event at this point. I decided to just keep going and try and make the best of it."

Me: "There is some video of the event that shows you easing up before the line, and then sprinting to cross the finish. What was going on there?"

Phil: "I wanted to prove to everyone that I was the strongest that day, and I could have literally crawled in to victory."

Me: "Weren't you passed early on the run?"

Phil: "...Yep."

Me: "So the victory celebration maybe wasn't the best idea?"

Phil: "You're a real crappy interviewer. I'm out of here."

At this point, Phil Mooney stood up, walked twelve feet into the other room, sat down, and proceeded to pout for the rest of the day. It's tough being interviewed by a roommate I guess.

More to come on this breaking story.

Phil Mooney is a Triathlete!

This is new information for some, but I have known this fact for quite a while and I am unable to hold it in any more.

Phil Mooney, a 2009 collegiate national champion, is actually a triathlete in disguise.

This is the result sheet from the 2008 Pacific Grove Triathlon.

2050	PHILIP MOONEY	M	23	DAVIS, CA	1	00:56:35.570		.		.
2600	MICHAEL DEMARIA	M	21	CARMEL VALLEY, CA	2	01:01:44.240		.		.
2049	SERGIO MALDONADO	M	23	SAN JOSE, CA	3	01:02:57.930		.		.
2022	EVAN LEESON	M	21	CARMEL, CA	4	01:04:22.410		.		.
2016	STEFAN HERKEWITZ	M	21	SAN JUAN CAPISTRANO, CA	5	01:08:16.430		.		.
2015	JUSTIN ELMORE	M	24	CARLSBAD, CA	6	01:08:19.120		.		.
2017	MATT HILLARD	M	22	SAN FRANCISCO, CA	7	01:08:49.540		.		.
2019	JACOB JENKINS	M	22	MONTEREY, CA	8	01:11:12.520		.		.
2051	AJAY PALA	M	20	SAN JOSE, CA	9	01:13:47.350		.		.
2001	TAKASHI KOGA	M	20	NAGASAKI, OTH, JP	10	01:14:48.480		.		.
2048	MICHAEL MCCARRY	M	24	LOS GATOS, CA	11	01:15:30.800		.		.
2023	DAVID RAMSAUR	M	23	MONTEREY, CA	12	01:15:32.900		.		.
2587	JAMES DUNN	M	21	MARINA, CA	13	01:20:27.110		.		.
2020	SAM JOHNSON	M	21	CARLSBAD, CA	14	01:30:27.280		.		.

Yes, that is indeed Phil in first place.

He said, "I did it for Mandy." He is of course, referring to his girlfriend. Now, men often do foolish things for women, and this certainly falls into that category.

It is a sad day for all those that idolize PMTG.

Really? I mean, really?

It appears that Alberto Contador is up to his old tricks again, acting like he's actually clean and then proving without a doubt that he is easily the dirtiest rider in the peloton.

So the setting for this scene is Paris-Nice, a race which Contador won last year under far more reasonable circumstances.

This year, Contador won the opening time trial, beating real time trialists by quite a bit on a course that didn't suit him. Today, he won the moutaintop finish at La Montagne de Lure, easily besting his breakaway companions. In fact, he made it look so easy that one might surmise that he isn't being entirely transparent with his "training methods."


Here's Contador, riding away from the group with Frank Schleck and Antonio Colom in tow. Contador might be feeling the effort, Schleck looks ok, and Colom looks like grim death.

Alberto had enough left in the tank for his signature finishing line salute.


Sylvain Chavanel didn't have enough to pedal to the team bus.


Somehow I think the current level of punishment is not punitive enough. I think perhaps the formation of an anti doping hit squad might entice some of the dirty riders to seek other employment or to clean up their act.

Maybe something like this.


Yeah, I think some heavily armed commando types running around in the dark of night, looking for dopers might make it a little bit harder to cheat.

I mean, it can't hurt right?

Triathletes

I was about halfway through a build on a tri bike today when I realized that it had been far too long since I wrote a post about how much I dislike triathletes. I know that my vast reading audience has been feeling the same way, so without further ado, I present:

WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU EVER DO THIS?: Remarks on a ridiculous and asinine sport.

No. 1- Why the fuck would you ever wear something like this?

I'll tell you why a man would wear bikini bottoms: hes retarded. This is literally the worst thing you could wear during any sporting event. The leotards that male wrestlers wear are more manly than this getup. He looks like Richard Simmons, well, only if Richard were dying of AIDS. At least Richards tank top extends all the way to his waistband. Oh wait, that's not a tank top, its actually a women's halter. Come on out of the closet my friend.

No. 2- Why the fuck would you actually do this?

This looks like a school of male tuna engaging in some kind of gangbang with a sole female tuna, a lot of flailing around, but not much action. Open water swimming is soo nineties, I mean, does anybody actually enjoy getting kicked in the face by some overweight woman from Team in Training? Easily the dumbest part of the whole event, the swim is where the retards realize they are in over their head and where the pros just want to get through it without fucking anything up. Last year, a man with no legs swam the full 2.2 mile length of the Kona swim, great, if a man with no legs can do it, how hard can it be? Some "Ironman."

No. 3- Why the fuck would you ride this?

There are so many things wrong with tri bikes that I hesitate to being listing all of them. The abbreviated list is as follows. 1) Water bottles fucking everywhere. 2) Bento box strapped to the top tube behind the stem. 3) Power bars unwrapped and stuck on the top tube for easier consumption during the bike leg. 4) GU's taped on the frame in various points. 5) Retarded wheels (sky's the limit here) 6) Aero drink systems. It all blends together to create the biggest mess this side of a recumbent bike.

No. 4- Why the fuck would you ever run?

This is just a big joke. So you swim 2.2 miles, then bike 114, and then you have to run a marathon? It just begs the question, why? But more specifically, why run? I could understand running from bloodthirsty lions or bears, but running for the sake of running, you must be joking! Running in a women's halter is even more heinous. This is not ok.

The only thing with the word tri in it that I find even remotely acceptable is the Ducati 1098 in TRI color.

Easily the hottest thing I have ever seen. The motorcycle is cool too.

Mechanics

Something even worse than people working on their own bikes is a poorly skilled mechanic working on bikes. Unfortunately, according to my entirely unscientific methods, there are more bad mechanics than there are idiots that try to work on their own bikes.

The most dangerous aspect of BMS (bad mechanic syndrome) is that mechanics, even bad ones, hold a high degree of respect with bicycle riders. Most riders trust their mechanics, whether they are bad or not. This is problematic because it allows bad mechanics to keep their jobs and shops with bad mechanics to stay in business. To help, I have assembled a list of red flags to look for when selecting a mechanic.

If they can't work on this, get the fuck out of there.

1) He/She will not admit to making a mistake. Being able to do this is a pretty big requirement for life in general, but especially important for a good mechanic. Good ones will readily admit their mistakes and will ask other mechanics to check their work when dealing with unfamiliar bikes or parts. Bad mechanics will usually insist that they are the greatest thing since the torque wrench, this is bluster covering for a lack of mechanical skills as well as having a small penis (or small boobs).

2) He/ She can't decipher the customers retardese when a bicycle problem is being described. This is a big one. Good mechanics can diagnose problems based on what they are being told by a customer. They can also diagnose unseen health conditions that may affect a person's ability to speak coherently (retardation).

3) He/ She doesn't have the ability to work on crappy bikes. Plenty of people can wrench on brand new stuff, but don't understand how to fix someone's hoo-ride. The basics of mechanical work are best learned on hoo-rides, rather than $5000 dollar superbikes. If they can't tune your beater, best that you beat feet the fuck out of there.

4) He/ She doesn't understand basic mechanical terminology. If you are one of those gifted few that can speak the language of bicycles, things between you and your mechanic should go swimmingly. If they aren't, chances are they're not understanding what you're saying. Drop them like a three foot putt.

5) He/She has worked as a team mechanic before. Generally this is a really bad sign, simply because team mechanics are usually AWFUL. This probably is due to a general lack of experience, but also because they are rushed to get things done. Team mechanics are notorious for cutting corners. Horror stories of mechanics "tuning up"bikes by spraying them down with water post race only add weight to my argument.

6) He/She can't fix whats wrong. If your mechanic gives up on a fixable problem, get the fuck out of there. Laziness is rampant in the service part of the industry and supporting it does no good. Put lazy assholes out of business.

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.



By the way, I've NEVER been guilty of any of the above.

Home Mechanic Syndrome

Being a bicycle mechanic means you have to deal with a lot of issues. Obviously, as a mechanic, you are responsible for the maintenance of customers bicycles, but under certain circumstances you are a teacher, a friend, or even a disciplinarian.

As you might guess, my favorite role is that of the disciplinarian, simply because humiliating middle aged men who think they know everything is really fun.

The worst kind of customer imaginable is the one that thinks they understand how a bicycle works and feels that they are qualified to work on it. Now a bicycle is a simple thing, but then again, so is a toilet. A man who can't stop a toilet from running probably shouldn't be screwing around with his bicycle.

These customers will attempt (key word here) to adjust derailleurs, hubs, saddle height, headset tension, they will try to true wheels, glue tubulars, and generally succeed in fucking everything up.

This phenomena is known as Home Mechanic Syndrome. It is caused by a loss of control over the arrogant male superiority center of the brain. This part of the brain is located squarely between the legs, and generally, the smaller it is, the less control one has over it.

HMS manifests itself most commonly in a couple of areas.

1) Derailleurs- People look at a derailleur and think they understand whats going on. They don't. See those two screws on the back? Don't fucking touch them. They control the inward and outward swing of the derailleur. Once they are set by your mechanic, never touch them. Never assume you know what is going on in this region of the bike, because you don't.

2) Headset- This is a pretty simple thing than people constantly fuck up. You tighten the top bolt to put tension on the bearings, then you tighten the stem bolts. You have no idea how many people walk into the store with stripped out star nuts because they've been cranking on them with tight stem bolts. Again, leave it alone.

3. Handlebar Tape- Wrapping tape is so far beyond the average persons skill level that I won't even attempt to explain how its done. Don't touch it, and don't try to wrap them on your own.

4. Wheels- I either see evidence that tells me that people can't change tubes properly, or, they've tried true their own wheels. On the first count, if you can't change your own tube, you have NO business riding a bike in the first place. On the second, don't touch anything.

5. Seatpost- For some reason, people like to tighten the hell out of their seatposts, even if they are carbon. Torque specs exist for a reason, if you don't know what a torque wrench is, you shouldn't be touching ANYTHING on your bike anyway, so stop where you are.

Moral of the story: People who are mechanically capable can probably figure it out, I'd advise against it, but its not impossible. People who have absolutely no mechanical skills shouldn't do anything other than change their tubes. It's definitely easier to fuck things up than it is to fix whats wrong.

One thing's for sure, your mechanic will absolutely hate you if you've screwed up their hard work. They might not show it, but know that they're cursing your name as they reverse all of the damage you've done.